There’s an old saying: “You can’t get blood from a turnip.” What a perfect metaphor for a relationship with a narcissist! If you’ve been with a narcissist, you probably know all too well the frustration—and exhaustion—of struggling to extract even the bare minimum of caring, compassion, understanding, and empathy—and coming up with nothing but indifference, apathy, coldness, dismissal, and emotional unavailability. Squeeze all you want—that turnip, aka narcissist, will never yield blood. (And probably not much in the way of juice, either.) Let’s look at some of the ways we squeeze the turnip and come up dry in narcissistic relationships.

‍

The Futile Quest for Connection

Perhaps you, like me, have been led to believe that if only you tried harder, gave more, demanded less, explained yourself more clearly, or bared your pain and desperate need for connection, the narcissist would see the light, and show up with kindness and caring—and you’d finally feel seen, heard, and understood.

So you try. And you try. But… nothing. Nada. Because, like a turnip, the narcissist can’t give what they never possessed in the first place.

‍

The Empathy Void

Lack of empathy, for instance, is a hallmark of narcissism. Would you expect empathy from a turnip? Of course not. The same holds true for a narcissist. (Note: Some narcissists are quite skilled at something known as “cognitive empathy,” whereby they intellectually understand others’ emotions and can fake caring—but there’s no true feeling involved.)

Narcissists are famously self-absorbed, focused only on their own needs, feelings, and desires. Yours, sadly, matter not one iota to them—You’d do just as well with that turnip.

‍

The Shallow Plane of Narcissistic Relationships

You’re hoping for kindness? Caring? Understanding? You won’t get it from a narcissist. Narcissists are incapable of seeing others as separate from themselves. Others, including you, are viewed purely as extensions of themselves, existing merely to serve them and to take care of their needs. You? Your needs? Hahaha.

What about deep emotional connection? Authentic emotional connection, trust, and vulnerability are essential components of a mutual and loving relationship. Mutual? Loving? Not with a narcissist. Narcissistic relationships, like the narcissist themselves, exist on a shallow plane. Appearances, not authenticity, is what matters. Narcissists view relationships as transactional: “What’s in it for me?” and “What have you done for me lately?” are their mottos.

‍

The Myth of Transformation

Many of us have been led to believe that with enough love, understanding, patience, and persistence we can bring out the good in others, i.e., we have the power to turn that beast (or frog) into the prince we just know is there… somewhere. Spoiler alert: If you’re with a narcissist, you’re stuck with the beast. Or the frog. (Or the turnip.) Narcissists have a very limited capacity for change—and even then, only if it suits them and serves their needs. At the first sign of stress or strain, watch them revert. Turns out that beast was there all along. Should you choose to stay for whatever reason, you’ll have to temper your expectations and let go of the fantasy. Ouch. (I know, I’ve been there.)

‍

Think of the narcissist as that non-blood-yielding turnip. While turnips can make for a nice Thanksgiving side dish, they don’t make great partners or bedfellows. If it’s turnip juice you’re after, squeeze away. Just remember: You can’t get blood—or love—from a turnip. If you find yourself in a relationship with a narcissist, remember that you deserve authentic love, empathy, and connection. It’s okay to acknowledge that you can’t change them and to seek support in prioritizing your own well-being. You’re worth more than turnip juice—don’t settle for less.